Oh but it grates against him to hear Noctis talking about Ardyn like this. Like he's just some normal guy, or at least has the capacity to be. It's one thing to know, distantly, intellectually, that he was a victim once too, that all of this is fucked up destiny decided by one twisted deity. But to talk about him like he's less than the face of everything that has weighed on them all over the years... Is it fair? probably not. But it doesn't make it any easier to let go of how much hatred he has.
As much as so many of the others had laid everything at Regis' feet, Drautos especially, Nyx has spent his life getting by doing the opposite. The Empire was responsible for all of it and in the end, though the orders had certainly come from the Emperor himself the man was old and frail and weak. It was his highest commanders that carried out those orders and enforced them. Chancellor Izunia had so often been seen as his right hand, long before he'd come to deliver the demands of the peace treaty even if he hadn't had a face to put to the name.
He didn't want to feel any sympathy for him, to see him as human as others. As the Captain. It was hard enough knowing so many people that had done horrific things so well... and that's without realizing what they were capable of. To offer that kind of understanding and sympathy knowing full well what the man is? What he's done? Laying themselves out on a silver platter to be stabbed in the back again?
Noctis keeps talking and it all sounds so normal. Fucking reasonable, even, given the shit that happens here and he can't stand it. He wants to argue that Ardyn was just manipulating him into letting his guard down but Nyx felt how that field impacted him with only half a step into it. Amani doesn't let people have that sort of autonomy when it starts pulling its tricks.
He's honestly not sure exactly how much of Noctis' recounting he really parses right now, much of it simply filed away to think about later when he doesn't have a delicate young man in his arms. By the time he's finished Nyx is hunched over, his forehead resting on Noctis' shoulder, his mind reeling with more information than he wants, too many uncomfortable things to think about. Noctis genuinely thinking the bastard is attractive foremost among them.
He lets out a slow, shuddering breath, sifting through all of it to find something he can latch onto that isn't.... more humanizing when it's so much easier to just hate.
"What do you mean take him over? It's... a disease." Gods he's seen so many people suffer it, seen more than a few Glaives fall to it even. "He's just... a carrier for it instead of dying to it. Isn't that what you said?"
A practical concern. Information he can justify as safety precautions. Something separate from the more pressing and horrible personal implications of it all.
Noctis isn't at all sure how Nyx is going to take any of this. His guess is 'poorly,' but in what ways he doesn't know. But he didn't want Nyx to be in the dark, or to get the wrong impression of what happened. It's not like Noctis feels great about defending Ardyn Izunia, but he won't condemn someone for things they didn't do, no matter who they are. And he has a responsibility to his Glaive to give him the information he needs to do his job...even if Nyx might not like that information.
Noctis feels the way Nyx is hunched over and the way he's breathing, and he just...doesn't know what else to say. He's glad when the question comes, something concrete to respond to.
"Yeah. On Eos, that's how it works. Here...something seems different. I'm not sure what it is or why it's happening, but we need to find out. Even if only to prepare ourselves for whatever might come down the line." He drinks a bit more of his tea, and at this point the cup's almost empty. Now that the potion's done its work, liquids, at least, seem okay.
"Probably Peace trying to replicate something it doesn't understand.... we saw how great that worked with the Lucii's magic when I showed up still half dead." He scoffs a little shaking his head and he finally looks up at Noctis again, worried but seeming more stable now than he had been when Noctis first said who was responsible.
It says a lot about how Nyx is feeling that he's at least willing to loosen his grip on Noctis to take the teacup and trade it out for the heavy ceramic bowl full of stew. It's sturdy enough stoneware that it's easy enough to send some fire magic to his hands to warm it without risking any damage to the dishware. "Go on.... It's good and if you can talk that much you'll be fine."
Once he hands it over though his hands fall into his lap and, with where Noct is, that means into his lap too. "Are you.... okay, though?" He finally asks after a moment. "If I dunno what to think about this shit you've gotta be way more-" He stops himself, at a loss for words. Conflicted? Weirded out? Fucked up? Feeling like he's going out of his goddamn mind? In the end, he just makes a vague gesture towards his head. "-about it."
"Yeah...wonder if we might be able to just ask it." You know, instead of having to engage Ardyn in conversation.
Noctis takes the bowl and is abruptly reminded of how hungry he is, but he knows he's got to take it slow, so he does his best. The thick stock goes down easily and its warmth feels good. The meat he ends up breaking into slightly smaller pieces with his spoon, but as long as he chews enough, that ends up fine too. ...whatever vegetables are in that bowl, he just sort of...pushes aside. "Mm. It is good. Thank Squall for me."
His brow furrows at the question and he takes a moment to answer, taking another spoonful of stew in the meantime. "I'm..." Fine, is what he would have said to most people. "...not sure how to feel," he admits. "Every other time I've run into him here, he seemed mostly the same as always. More tired, maybe. This was...he was like a completely different person, except...even in the clover, I was still me. So that's gotta mean somewhere deep down, there's more to Ardyn than I thought."
He eats his stew for another minute or so, before he says, "...I hate him, Nyx. I do. Or...I thought I did. I hate the guy back home who's ruined so many lives, who took everything from us. But I can't shake the feeling that the Ardyn here is different, somehow. He's been through ten extra years, he fought the me who actually became the Chosen King and he lost. He finally died, after two thousand years. That's...gotta do something to a person, right?"
Nyx doesn't know Ardyn well enough to even say that he makes himself easy to hate because.... from what he's seen? He's dramatic and obnoxious but he doesn't exude evil or anything.
Not like Glauca did.
"Not gonna lie... Wish there wasn't more to him. Easier to hate him if he's just that asshole." Which is, perhaps, more self-aware than he'd normally be but... there it is. Nyx is quiet for a moment though, thinking, hating what he's thinking but he can't make it go away.
"It does..." He finally says, voice distant, trying to keep himself objective and not tangle things up too much in his head. Stars above he doesn't want to think about it. "Dying... it changes you, your outlook, your priorities. I've done it twice now, probably as close to an expert as you're gonna get." Not that he doesn't think there's probably some world somewhere where someone has died a thousand times or something but the average person doesn't experience that and get to reflect on it after.
"I know for my part... and I think for a lot of people here there's a freedom to it, too. No expectations but... no roles to play either. No destiny to fulfill. If he got to the end of the fucked up saga Bahamut shoved you both in then...." He huffs a sigh, shrugging, gesturing helplessly with one hand. "I dunno maybe he doesn't need to be the bad guy. Fuck if I know." For as contemplative as he's been that last bit if nothing but frustration, not quite anger but some measure of disgust at even letting himself think about it the fucker that hard.
Noctis gives the slightest mirthless chuckle with a nod. "Yeah...easier to hate. Easier to get angry. But...I've massively screwed up a few times, letting my temper off its leash, and other people suffered for it, so...I've been trying to take a step back, you know? I 'can't just live for myself,' after all. Got a whole world relying on me."
Sometimes these kinds of thoughts come out bitter or resentful, but right now he just sounds thoughtful.
He eats his stew quietly and listens until the moment he pauses with the spoon halfway to his mouth, glancing up to look at Nyx in alarm. "What? What do you mean, you've done it twice?"
No expectations, but...no roles to play either. No destiny to fulfill. "Yeah...that's the impression I got. He just seemed so done."
Nyx frowns, nodding slightly. "Being that angry... shit happens like that." Libertus' words echoing in his head, the rage and pain in his brother's expression as he screamed at him Lucis killed Crowe.
He winces at the way Noctis looks at him then, startled and confused, looking away from the young king. A vague shrug, dismissive as possible and he absolutely pounces on the other statement. "Shit I had to talk to the Lucii for 5 minutes and I was done. He's had to deal with that shit and Bahamut for millennia. I'd be sick of his shit too."
"Is it that important?" He huffs, rolling his eyes.
"Look, Sikalina needed our help to keep from being lost to darkness. We helped. Most of us made it out fine but more importantly Keeper got to do what they needed to to bring back the light." A pointed look then. Yeah sounds familiar, doesn't it?
Nyx shakes his head a little, reaching out to push the stew back up, trying to stop Noct from setting it aside. "You need to eat."
But he sighs, exasperated because this was not the point of the conversation. "Keeper is their deity of light. They had to actually get to the darkness deity, talk to them. Find a way to return things to balance. I saw an opening. I took it." Nyx just shrugs, trying to make light of it. Just doing his job.
Noctis sighs and brings the bowl back up to keep eating, but he's still looking at Nyx expectantly.
A deity of light working with one of darkness to find a way to return balance between them. It seems awfully...pointed. Almost too relevant. "Balance," he says thoughtfully. "Wonder if something like that could be possible with Ardyn..."
He makes an 'and?' gesture with his spoon. "You saw an opening, you took it, and...? Nyx, come on, I just sat here and spilled my guts to you. Tell me what happened."
He makes a frustrated grumble, dropping back against the arm of the couch, letting his head hang over the arm so he doesn't have to look at Noct. "So... we were in mechs. Much bigger and fancier than anything the Empire came up with. The uh- Sol called it a neural load- the brain power required to run the damn things was too much for one person so we had to sorta... sync up. Me'n Kuja were working together. He's all flashy magic and flying and shit. So I saw a way to make a path for Sol and we did."
He shrugs, waving a hand dismissively. It's fine. "Those things were never meant to warp but moving fast and flying and shit were how we were both used to moving! So.... we made it work. Woke up in the infirmary here the next day. Apparently, I essentially gave myself an aneurysm." Nyx frowns, considers for a moment. "Er- a few of 'em. That was a couple weeks before you showed up."
But all of that out of the way means he can get back on track. "You think balance could work with him though? I dunno isn't part of the point that the scourge isn't natural it's like... some stupid bitchfit Bahamat threw and made into a plague upon humanity because he didn't get his way."
Noctis has no idea who Kuja is, but it doesn't really matter, so he doesn't bother asking. The story makes him frown deeply, but...he doesn't have the context to fully understand what happened, and he can hardly berate Nyx for doing something reckless to ensure success without feeling like a hypocrite, so he just hums in acknowledgment that he's absorbing the words for now.
"Well, now I'm here, and I need you. So...don't do it again, okay?"
He scoops up the remaining stock left in the stew and eats it, and then sets aside the empty bowl...well no, it's not empty. He left all the vegetables sort of shoved up against the side of the bowl. It's empty of anything edible, in his opinion.
He laughs a little at the way Nyx describes Bahamut like an angry toddler. "Something like that. The Scourge may not be natural, but...Ardyn himself is just a guy. Maybe what we need isn't a balance between the natural forces we contain, but...I don't know. Can you introduce me to this Keeper person?"
"Really?" Nyx huffs, only half scolding. Is he going to give Noct shit about leaving all the veggies as a way to not have to respond to that request?
Of course not
"Gimmie that, ya brat." If Noct isn't going to eat it Nyx will. Like hell he's letting any of his lover's cooking go to waste. Squall's way too good at it to allow that. So it's through a mouthful of carrot that he nods and carries on with the conversation as though there was never any mention of him dying. Again. "Yeah. Probably it'd be good for you to talk to 'em anyway. Common ground and all. They're good people. Wasn't sure we should trust 'em at first but then I actually got to talk to em, work with em and- well..."
His expression softens, a smile that's perhaps not as gentle as the one he wears when he's talking about Squall but there's definitely a depth of feeling there that might be more than Noctis is expecting. Though it makes sense once he finishes that thought. "They remind me of your Father in a lotta ways."
Noctis shrugs. If Nyx wants the veggies, he's welcome to them. And of course he notices that Nyx ignores him, again, but at this point he clearly isn't going to respond. So Noct drops it, for now.
He nods along to this talk of common ground and trust, but he looks up at the end. "...yeah?" he says quietly. "Sounds like I should definitely meet them, then."
"Yeah... They're on Sikalina more often than not. Tall, red, real pretty... sorta feline. Hard to miss so if you go planetside you'll see 'em." Pay no mind to the fact that Nyx has never described anyone as pretty before, always favoring cruder language because of the reactions it gets from people.
"Maybe next time I head over I'll bring you with me. They need all the help they can get trying to restore things in Sikalina proper."
But he sighs, nods, carefully disentangles himself from the younger man. He pauses to lean over the couch, pressing a soft kiss to Noctis' lips, trying not to think about the fact that he'd been kissing Ardyn not an hour ago. "Yeah. You get some sleep. Tch- I need a drink." He stays just long enough to make sure Noctis is situated before he drifts across the large open space, putting the bowl and mug in the sink, pulling a bottle from the fridge, circling back around to drop into a chair across from Noct. He's still not willing to leave him alone, even with the potion, but he can let the kid rest while he tries to-
Think?
Not think?
He doesn't fucking know what to do any more. It's not until he's on the third bottle that he remembers that drinking was definitely supposed to be on the list of ways not to deal with shit.
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hardbargain) wrote2022-10-31 05:30 pm
no subject
As much as so many of the others had laid everything at Regis' feet, Drautos especially, Nyx has spent his life getting by doing the opposite. The Empire was responsible for all of it and in the end, though the orders had certainly come from the Emperor himself the man was old and frail and weak. It was his highest commanders that carried out those orders and enforced them. Chancellor Izunia had so often been seen as his right hand, long before he'd come to deliver the demands of the peace treaty even if he hadn't had a face to put to the name.
He didn't want to feel any sympathy for him, to see him as human as others. As the Captain. It was hard enough knowing so many people that had done horrific things so well... and that's without realizing what they were capable of. To offer that kind of understanding and sympathy knowing full well what the man is? What he's done? Laying themselves out on a silver platter to be stabbed in the back again?
Noctis keeps talking and it all sounds so normal. Fucking reasonable, even, given the shit that happens here and he can't stand it. He wants to argue that Ardyn was just manipulating him into letting his guard down but Nyx felt how that field impacted him with only half a step into it. Amani doesn't let people have that sort of autonomy when it starts pulling its tricks.
He's honestly not sure exactly how much of Noctis' recounting he really parses right now, much of it simply filed away to think about later when he doesn't have a delicate young man in his arms. By the time he's finished Nyx is hunched over, his forehead resting on Noctis' shoulder, his mind reeling with more information than he wants, too many uncomfortable things to think about. Noctis genuinely thinking the bastard is attractive foremost among them.
He lets out a slow, shuddering breath, sifting through all of it to find something he can latch onto that isn't.... more humanizing when it's so much easier to just hate.
"What do you mean take him over? It's... a disease." Gods he's seen so many people suffer it, seen more than a few Glaives fall to it even. "He's just... a carrier for it instead of dying to it. Isn't that what you said?"
A practical concern. Information he can justify as safety precautions. Something separate from the more pressing and horrible personal implications of it all.
no subject
Noctis feels the way Nyx is hunched over and the way he's breathing, and he just...doesn't know what else to say. He's glad when the question comes, something concrete to respond to.
"Yeah. On Eos, that's how it works. Here...something seems different. I'm not sure what it is or why it's happening, but we need to find out. Even if only to prepare ourselves for whatever might come down the line." He drinks a bit more of his tea, and at this point the cup's almost empty. Now that the potion's done its work, liquids, at least, seem okay.
no subject
It says a lot about how Nyx is feeling that he's at least willing to loosen his grip on Noctis to take the teacup and trade it out for the heavy ceramic bowl full of stew. It's sturdy enough stoneware that it's easy enough to send some fire magic to his hands to warm it without risking any damage to the dishware. "Go on.... It's good and if you can talk that much you'll be fine."
Once he hands it over though his hands fall into his lap and, with where Noct is, that means into his lap too. "Are you.... okay, though?" He finally asks after a moment. "If I dunno what to think about this shit you've gotta be way more-" He stops himself, at a loss for words. Conflicted? Weirded out? Fucked up? Feeling like he's going out of his goddamn mind? In the end, he just makes a vague gesture towards his head. "-about it."
no subject
Noctis takes the bowl and is abruptly reminded of how hungry he is, but he knows he's got to take it slow, so he does his best. The thick stock goes down easily and its warmth feels good. The meat he ends up breaking into slightly smaller pieces with his spoon, but as long as he chews enough, that ends up fine too. ...whatever vegetables are in that bowl, he just sort of...pushes aside. "Mm. It is good. Thank Squall for me."
His brow furrows at the question and he takes a moment to answer, taking another spoonful of stew in the meantime. "I'm..." Fine, is what he would have said to most people. "...not sure how to feel," he admits. "Every other time I've run into him here, he seemed mostly the same as always. More tired, maybe. This was...he was like a completely different person, except...even in the clover, I was still me. So that's gotta mean somewhere deep down, there's more to Ardyn than I thought."
He eats his stew for another minute or so, before he says, "...I hate him, Nyx. I do. Or...I thought I did. I hate the guy back home who's ruined so many lives, who took everything from us. But I can't shake the feeling that the Ardyn here is different, somehow. He's been through ten extra years, he fought the me who actually became the Chosen King and he lost. He finally died, after two thousand years. That's...gotta do something to a person, right?"
no subject
Not like Glauca did.
"Not gonna lie... Wish there wasn't more to him. Easier to hate him if he's just that asshole." Which is, perhaps, more self-aware than he'd normally be but... there it is. Nyx is quiet for a moment though, thinking, hating what he's thinking but he can't make it go away.
"It does..." He finally says, voice distant, trying to keep himself objective and not tangle things up too much in his head. Stars above he doesn't want to think about it. "Dying... it changes you, your outlook, your priorities. I've done it twice now, probably as close to an expert as you're gonna get." Not that he doesn't think there's probably some world somewhere where someone has died a thousand times or something but the average person doesn't experience that and get to reflect on it after.
"I know for my part... and I think for a lot of people here there's a freedom to it, too. No expectations but... no roles to play either. No destiny to fulfill. If he got to the end of the fucked up saga Bahamut shoved you both in then...." He huffs a sigh, shrugging, gesturing helplessly with one hand. "I dunno maybe he doesn't need to be the bad guy. Fuck if I know." For as contemplative as he's been that last bit if nothing but frustration, not quite anger but some measure of disgust at even letting himself think about it the fucker that hard.
no subject
Sometimes these kinds of thoughts come out bitter or resentful, but right now he just sounds thoughtful.
He eats his stew quietly and listens until the moment he pauses with the spoon halfway to his mouth, glancing up to look at Nyx in alarm. "What? What do you mean, you've done it twice?"
No expectations, but...no roles to play either. No destiny to fulfill. "Yeah...that's the impression I got. He just seemed so done."
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He winces at the way Noctis looks at him then, startled and confused, looking away from the young king. A vague shrug, dismissive as possible and he absolutely pounces on the other statement. "Shit I had to talk to the Lucii for 5 minutes and I was done. He's had to deal with that shit and Bahamut for millennia. I'd be sick of his shit too."
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"Look, Sikalina needed our help to keep from being lost to darkness. We helped. Most of us made it out fine but more importantly Keeper got to do what they needed to to bring back the light." A pointed look then. Yeah sounds familiar, doesn't it?
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It sounds too familiar, and he frowns. "What they needed to. Which was what? And if 'most of you' made it out fine, why didn't you?"
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But he sighs, exasperated because this was not the point of the conversation. "Keeper is their deity of light. They had to actually get to the darkness deity, talk to them. Find a way to return things to balance. I saw an opening. I took it." Nyx just shrugs, trying to make light of it. Just doing his job.
no subject
A deity of light working with one of darkness to find a way to return balance between them. It seems awfully...pointed. Almost too relevant. "Balance," he says thoughtfully. "Wonder if something like that could be possible with Ardyn..."
He makes an 'and?' gesture with his spoon. "You saw an opening, you took it, and...? Nyx, come on, I just sat here and spilled my guts to you. Tell me what happened."
no subject
He shrugs, waving a hand dismissively. It's fine. "Those things were never meant to warp but moving fast and flying and shit were how we were both used to moving! So.... we made it work. Woke up in the infirmary here the next day. Apparently, I essentially gave myself an aneurysm." Nyx frowns, considers for a moment. "Er- a few of 'em. That was a couple weeks before you showed up."
But all of that out of the way means he can get back on track. "You think balance could work with him though? I dunno isn't part of the point that the scourge isn't natural it's like... some stupid bitchfit Bahamat threw and made into a plague upon humanity because he didn't get his way."
no subject
"Well, now I'm here, and I need you. So...don't do it again, okay?"
He scoops up the remaining stock left in the stew and eats it, and then sets aside the empty bowl...well no, it's not empty. He left all the vegetables sort of shoved up against the side of the bowl. It's empty of anything edible, in his opinion.
He laughs a little at the way Nyx describes Bahamut like an angry toddler. "Something like that. The Scourge may not be natural, but...Ardyn himself is just a guy. Maybe what we need isn't a balance between the natural forces we contain, but...I don't know. Can you introduce me to this Keeper person?"
no subject
Of course not
"Gimmie that, ya brat." If Noct isn't going to eat it Nyx will. Like hell he's letting any of his lover's cooking go to waste. Squall's way too good at it to allow that. So it's through a mouthful of carrot that he nods and carries on with the conversation as though there was never any mention of him dying. Again. "Yeah. Probably it'd be good for you to talk to 'em anyway. Common ground and all. They're good people. Wasn't sure we should trust 'em at first but then I actually got to talk to em, work with em and- well..."
His expression softens, a smile that's perhaps not as gentle as the one he wears when he's talking about Squall but there's definitely a depth of feeling there that might be more than Noctis is expecting. Though it makes sense once he finishes that thought. "They remind me of your Father in a lotta ways."
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He nods along to this talk of common ground and trust, but he looks up at the end. "...yeah?" he says quietly. "Sounds like I should definitely meet them, then."
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"Maybe next time I head over I'll bring you with me. They need all the help they can get trying to restore things in Sikalina proper."
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He might have said more, but he's interrupted by a yawn. "Right now, though, unless you're gonna make me eat anything else, I'm gonna crash."
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But he sighs, nods, carefully disentangles himself from the younger man. He pauses to lean over the couch, pressing a soft kiss to Noctis' lips, trying not to think about the fact that he'd been kissing Ardyn not an hour ago. "Yeah. You get some sleep. Tch- I need a drink." He stays just long enough to make sure Noctis is situated before he drifts across the large open space, putting the bowl and mug in the sink, pulling a bottle from the fridge, circling back around to drop into a chair across from Noct. He's still not willing to leave him alone, even with the potion, but he can let the kid rest while he tries to-
Think?
Not think?
He doesn't fucking know what to do any more. It's not until he's on the third bottle that he remembers that drinking was definitely supposed to be on the list of ways not to deal with shit.